Confessions Of A People Pleasing Pastor

I struggle with being a people pleaser. Whew... I said it! That felt good.

Notice my wording. I didn't say I "AM" a people pleaser, I said I "struggle" with being one. Why is that important? Because I don't want to be anything that's not biblical, and being a people pleaser isn't biblical. The word "struggle" indicates that it's something I'm striving to get better at, I haven't accomplished it yet, but it's not "owning" me either! Let's talk.

Let me talk personally on this, and maybe that will make more sense for a lot of you. As a pastor, a lot of my time is spent working with people. (no I don't work FOR them, I work with them. We are accomplishing a vision that we partner in. I work FOR God.) I love people...I'm energized by people. Then it kicks in... someone comes in with a semi-complaint or concern. It doesn't have to be anything big. Shoot, sometimes it can be as small as "Pastor, I would love to talk to you sometime about something." Then my People Pleasing Parachute kicks in. Everything is slowed down, time slows, my joy, my excitement, my energy, my mood... it literally becomes a parachute; slowing down any forward progress.

My mind starts working overtime trying to figure out if they are upset, mad, frustrated, angry. What did I do? How can I fix it? I don't want them mad at me! Then, I turn to getting mad at them for something that I'm ASSUMING rather than KNOWING! And by the time we meet, or we hear the thoughts, I've worked myself into such a frantic pace that I'm apologizing before I know what for. And you know what... I refuse to do that anymore. And below is why...

Galatians 1:10, NLT: "Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant."

Being a people pleaser is NOT biblical! Here's why I believe Paul wrote those poignant and powerful words - being a people pleaser will turn you into a personal hater. Your mind will start spinning, running in 100 different directions, and will cause you to hate yourself as you wonder what you did and do wrong all the time and why people can't seem to like you. Here's some things I've learned as I refuse to be a people pleaser:

1. My Value Isn't Determined By Others, But By Jesus.

Naturally, as humans, we want to please those that give us the most value in our lives. When I lose sight of where my value stems from I try to please the wrong people. I want to people the man that died for me... that is where my worth is found!

2. My Church Isn't My Church, Nor Is It Theirs.

As I lead Radiate Church, as we push to grow and make bigger waves of impact I'm reminded of this - this is NOT my church. Nor is it the people that attend Radiate! Jesus paid for the Church when He sacrificed on the cross, and emptied the tomb. He then equipped His disciples to establish the institution/organization of the Church is power and purpose. I'm simply helping Him fulfill His vision for the Church (big "C")!

3. My Family Doesn't Deserve To Suffer Because Of My Struggles.

It's true that we take out our frustrations and hurts on those closes to us. Our families don't deserve to suffer because we think everyone is out to get us. My kids didn't deserve an "ill" father, and my wife didn't deserve a "drained" husband, just because I think someone is upset with me. They deserve my best - better than anything I could give anyone else!

4. I'm Can't Serve Him When I'm Consumed With Them.

Sure, we love and worship Him by loving others... but it's not about loving people, it's about being consumed by them. I can't fully serve Jesus when I'm fully consumed by others. I have to be first consumed by Him and then serve others! Being a people pleaser gets that mixed up.

5. Leadership Means Some People Won't Like Your Decisions.

If you're going to be in leadership of any form get used to this - SOME PEOPLE WILL BE UPSET WITH YOU! It's leadership, it's natural... GET OVER IT! The quicker I learn that no matter what I do, I will never be able to please everyone, the quicker I can lead toward the vision God has for us!

So, here's the point: take condolence in the fact that you aren't alone in your struggle to be a people pleaser. Don't beat yourself up, but don't give in either. Most of us struggle with this to an extent, but remember where your worth is! Remember where your heart belongs. Remember who deserves your best! Follow God and you'll never get lost!

Until next week...

We're Becoming Cannibals

For most of us, just seeing the word "Cannibal" brings up thoughts of disgust, nasty, or maybe even zombies. Some of you automatically start replaying scenes from The Walking Dead. But, as nasty and  disgusting as most of us seem to think it is, a lot of times we are actually becoming cannibals, and we don't even realize it.

Over the past few years as I've endeavored to grow in my leadership and pastoring qualities, I've exposed myself to guys, and girls in some situations, that are leading way higher and better than me. And many times after learning from them, joining a coaching group with them, or just hanging out and learning from them, I'll read a blog or hear a friend talking about what they've done wrong. "Did you hear what they did last week?" "Can you believe they said that?" "That's not the way I believe it should be done!" - and each and every time I get more and more angry with the comments. Here's why - cannibalism disgusts me, therefore I don't want to be around it

It seems more and more, however, that "Christians" (yes that's in quotations on purpose), "Pastors", and "Leaders" are turning to the art of eating their own at the reward of seemingly having it all together. Let's get this out of the way: I'm not saying in the least that authority, leaders, or pastors shouldn't be held accountable for what they do. In fact I think accountability can be on of the greatest differences of success or demise. Without accountability our iron never gets sharpened (Proverbs 27:17). And to be honest, accountability RARELY happens outside of relationship - simply because the heart of the person can't be known. But there comes a point when we've gone beyond disagreeing with someone and moved into enjoying it - moving into "sadism" (enjoying to act of dishing pain) or "masochism" (enjoying pain yourself.).

Here's the damages I believe is being done to the Body of Christ (The Church) through Christian Cannibalism:

1. We Think We're Perfect:

When we spend so much time dissecting what others have and are doing wrong, we forget what we have and are doing wrong. I believe when The Bible begins talking about taking the speck out of our own eye, what's being said isn't that we should look at the problem in the other person's eye. It's that we shouldn't focus so much on their problem that we forget our own problem. We are all imperfect people trying to serve a perfect Father...and we all need grace to do that. (at least I do)

2.  People Can't Trust Us:

Let's use some logic for a second. If I'm dogging someone out for their mistakes, why would anyone else trust me with their mistakes? They KNOW that I would then begin writing a blog, gossiping, or judging them based on their struggles. I don't know about you but I don't want all of my struggles blasted all over the place. There are few people in my life that know my struggles in life, and that's not because I'm overly ashamed, they are major, or will cause detriment, but it's because I can't trust just anyone to help me through them. People don't need another gossip king/queen, people need a hand to hold and shoulder to lean on!

3.  Those Who Are Scare Of Church Are Justified:

If the Church, as Christ established and founded in Acts, is to be The Church as it should be then people shouldn't be scared of the Church. And you know what? Those that are scared of the Church, the Church People, and the Church Leadership - I don't blame them when things like this are consistently happening. It's not fair to ask them to give Church a chance to lead them to wholeness, life, and restoration when we are talking about people - all the while condemning them to a shattered life, death, and unforgiveness. Why would the "unchurched" want to walk into our churches? Church should be a place of Hope, not hostility!

Here's my point... it's time that some people begin to step up and display the grace that we demand. We begin to offer the love that we want offered; and we begin to forgive in the manner that we wish we were forgiven. Because I know this - Luke 6:37 says it pretty plainly - "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven." - Everything is cyclical... we WILL reap what we sow, in every facet of life.

I want to start a movement where we refuse to speak negatively about another ministry/pastor. Where we love people past their struggles. Where we understand people mess up, and so do I... so let's walk in holiness together. Where no longer do we eat our own, rather we become people that encourage, accept, and enjoy the LIFE in others!

Forgiveness, love, and grace aren't excuses to live life to the Sinfulness... nah, it's the hope that we can love people to the Life God Intended... and that's to live life to the fullest. So, let's stop being cannibals... let's begin to offer life, rather than try to take it! Because Jesus has way more in store for us than we could EVER imagine possible! Let's LIVE!